Avoiding reality.

I have not written in quite some time. I've been avoiding reality with someone. I had begun to think that life couldn't get any better. Maybe I've killed the fantastic words with my inhaling. My fantastic words with the inhaling. Perhaps what I am really addicted to is copying. I set goals to complete, where the finishing line is acceptance from others. I know not what I am. The truth of it all is that I don't want to be in games, I want to wear makeup, I want to buy expensive clothes. But at the same time, op-shopping is so convenient, drugs are so much fun and makeup doesn't look right. Do I continue to  put myself in a position of fear for the benefit of teenage fun. Fun spent with someone heading to thirty who still acts like a teenager. I'm looking at the timeline of my life and comparing my behaviour to the relationships. Scott saw me boring and housewifey. Karri saw me needy and lost. Single life saw me longing for Jordan and sleeping around, drowning myself in makeup and tiny dresses. Finally reaching Jordan meant I fell into depression and self harm because that was his way. Now Jesse has seen me become a procrastinating gamer and stoner. From all these options, none seem to be me, and if that is so then who the fuck am I? It's funny how a conversation about the health of a current relationship can actually turn into questioning of my entire existence. Why haven't I left already? Because I'm afraid. And because I don't like giving up on something with so much potential. But really, if he was who he says he is, if he really was all the good things all the time then I wouldn't have even had the chance to be with him. He's so pretty, great fashion, funny, fun, great in bed, but angry and displays the possibility of being violent. It's too scary and I'm too young to settle for anything less than the best.

Here, I stop avoiding reality.