There are bite marks up my arms. I'm lying in his arms. I'm unfelt and I don't want you to tune every radio station. I pulled you from the ground three times tonight. I told you my biggest secret. You won't remember. I'm glad. It means that I have a project again. I have drama again. I have something to spend energy on. And secrets are the most fun. I like you so much and I know you feel the same. Will I go down the victim path once more? I love your cloudy bed and I love your body, but could I ever love you?

She hurts me in ways unseen and understanding comes only from those with first experience of someone like that. She was the worst, but i dont know if I'd change it.

I held you while you cried tonight. I hope you don't forget that.

"Oh, hai!"
"Wassup?"
I'm in love with you.
I think I love you, too.
How is that even possible?

I've not laughed this hard with a boy in a long time. I've not felt this comfortable in longer. I've not felt my body so respected. You look at me and I melt. You look at me and I grin. I'm happy. On the back of his bike, curled in his strong arms, watching pokemon and making out. I'm happy. :)

You were in my dreams again last night.

My aunty dropped us off and we got our of the car, she handed us $100 for the wedding to cover drinks. There would be free beer and wine though. My uncle shoved it in his pocket and bolted, a look of gee spread across his face, excited to consume copious amounts of free alcohol. My sister and I began to follow him, but soon gave up. We lost him amongst the high-rise buildings and we didn't know the address for the place. Come to think of it, we didn't know the people getting married either...

We walked for a while, lost, then decided to get on a bus. It was wintery. Somewhere we got off, just up the road from your house. You were incomprehensively drunk, spewing into your front garden. You were beautiful to me. I was standing with a group of people now. It was morning. It was summery. I began to walk towards you, to talk, maybe I could hold you. Half way there, I turned and walked back. You knew I was there. I was afraid you wouldn't want to see me. You live in Perth now, with friends. Your room is painted light blue. Somehow I'm in your house and we're talking.And I don't remember the words, but you wanted to be with me. In the back of m mind I knew you were still with her though. Your wall is collagd with cut-outs, saved letters, pictures. There is a whole section dedicated to me. Letters I'd written you, my name printed, stuck on, pictures. We hold each other and it's electric, the energy between is is suffocating, its euphoric. I brush my lips over your neck and cheek, you smile and kiss me. I tell you I dream of you every night. I dream of you every night.

I spend my waking moments wishing I was asleep.

Oh and it's here. The euphoria, the sense of loss, no control, surrender. I've not seen you in a while. It's testing time. I always fail, but you! Oh you. You could change it all. You can pull me up, lift me from the gaping mouth of depression, with teeth full of poison. Vomit escapes me and darkens the toilet bowl. Only 3/4 of a bottle down. I've hidden a serated knife in the cupboard. You will pay. If only you would keep your sordid mouth shut, if only your heart would blacken with hurt, if only you would realise. You're stupid. You're slutty. You're alone. All you have are you and your lines; your pink, self-inflicted lines. Thick, meaningful, meaningless. You are alone. Die.

This is difficult to put into words. The actual meaning of the situation for me may not be understood by readers. I am sitting at the Perth underground by myself, waiting for a boy and for once I dont have this sickening sense of impending doom welling in my stomach. There is no longer an inherent fear that exists perpetually. I'm just me waiting for a train with a good book and my own company. I'm so happy right now because I have never, ever felt like this before. I've always been afraid of being alone- dreaded the thought of my own presence; now I embrace it. I mean, yeah I'm waiting to meet a boy, but I'm not fretting, not wishing he was here already. I'm just being.

Shoot me in Federation Square

Charlie.
It's 6pm.
There are arrows in the ceiling.
Read me a fairy tale, Charlie.
One to send me to sleep.
Charlie.
Tell me a story, a fable.
Lie to me, Charlie.
Sing me a song.

Been going through my writing from June/July last year. :) My around is always so much better when I'm depressed!


Around my the world is cruming into pieces if hell.
The walls fall and faces stare at me charred.

On display, I'm on display, a beautiful tragedy.
On disay, I'm on display, but none of you know me.

I fall from my swing, dangling high from a willow tree.
My bones break and my soul aches.
Their smirks turn to grins.

They reach out in curiosity but do not understand.
Turning now, I hide my face.
How I long to be invisible.